Let's dive right in here. How many times have you agreed to something and immediately
regretted it? Maybe you were blindsided or were in a hurry and didn't have time to think it
through, so you just said yes.
Whether you agreed to help with the annual fundraiser at your kids school, or a friend pressured you
into placing an order for an online party she's having (but you don't even like or need the product
Maybe your spouse wants a night out with his/her friends but you've been feeling run down with
mild cold symptoms and you know deep inside you do not have the energy to deal with all three
kids. Not to mention the next morning when your spouse needs to sleep in because he/she was out
Maybe your manager asks you to take on yet another project but you're already in over your head. To
make matters worse, this manager asks you in front of ten other co-workers during a meeting.
Oh the pressure!
I'd like to give you some simple yet effective tips on how to prevent yourself from saying “yes”
when you really mean “no” or “maybe.”
First, it IS OK to say NO. This one powerful word stands alone and is considered a complete sentence.
Second, For those of you who feel like you need to soften your response just a bit, you can consider
saying something like this: “I appreciate you asking but I simply cannot commit to one more thing
IF you're caught off guard it is fine to say: “Thank you for asking me but I already have another
commitment that day.”
Reminder, there is no need to apologize, or sheepishly say, “I'm sorry” but......I hear SO many people
do this. Please don't. It's an energy drain and places you in a less powerful state. There is no need to
apologize. You are not meant to be all things to all people!
HELPFUL TOOL to use in every situation: It is essential to “pause” before you answer someone.
I preach and teach and practice “Take the Pause” all the time. How is this done? You simply draw in
one or two slow deep breaths to get you back to your center. THEN say something like this:
“Hmmm, you're kind of catching me off guard here. I need some time to think about this and check
my schedule. Why don't I get back to you by (give them a day/time).
PLEASE NOTE: If you've been a people pleaser most of your life, or you don't like letting people
down you will most likely feel guilty at first. It will feel awkward. DO IT ANYWAY. Saying “no”
and setting boundaries is a crucial life skill that everyone needs. I repeat, setting boundaries and
learning to say no is a life skill we all need to learn and get comfortable with.
Practice. Practice. Practice.
READING TIP: Many years ago when I was going through a divorce and trying to figure out
my “adult child” issues, my very wise counselor suggested this book: “BOUNDARIES”
by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend.
It's funny to look back on this now, but when he first mentioned that I grew up in a family
without boundaries I remember cocking my head to the side and looking at him and shaking my head
saying “what do you mean, I don't get it?” I had no idea there was such a thing!
Reading that book was one of the best gifts I ever gave myself.
IN SUMMARY: Go forth and “Just say no” - starting now! Good luck.
A recent question posed to me sounded something like this: “My social life is non-existent.
How can I start connecting with others again?”
I keep hearing phrases like this from people who want to get out and have more fun, but they are socially “stuck.” Where to start? If you're reading this and thinking that's you~please know that you are not alone!
Social isolation is real. There are more people working remotely than ever before and more of them connecting online and with phone apps, but we all know it's not as beneficial as “in-person contact.”
Let's dive in to this, but first I'd like you to read my recent post from 4/11/23 titled: “Social
Isolation - a New Perspective.” In that post I talk about your presence, and making a good first
WHAT YOU CAN DO:
1- Sign up for a “live” class (preferably). This increases your chances of talking to others at a
deeper level and exchanging numbers for future meetups. If you do opt for a “live” class, you'll want to read my blog post from 2/17/21 titled: “How to Connect with People.”
This will be incredibly helpful once you do join a group or attend an event. It will teach you specifically how to draw people in. It's all about being interested in the other person first and making them feel special. They will in turn be interested in you, guaranteed.
2- Sign up for an online class (if #1 is too big of a stretch for you). Remember, you will still need to be open to putting yourself out there and chatting with someone in the chat room and asking if they'd be interested in further discussion around a certain topic. This could be done via zoom for starters until you feel safe enough to meet in person (at a public place of course). Remember, you set the pace here. Listen to your gut, let your intuition guide you.
3- Get out and walk around a lake or go hiking on some beautiful trails, or check out the upcoming Farmer's Markets. They are plentiful in the twin cities. As you're strolling, look at people, don't be afraid to make eye contact and SMILE. If they don't smile back, that's fine. Nothing is personal here. If they do smile, feel free to strike up a conversation. Ask them if they're familiar with certain vendors, or certain foods here, or whatever. I do this all the time and it works! Sometimes you need to just get over yourself, right? Feel the fear and do it anyway! It will build your confidence.
4- If the above suggestion is too much, you can find a “MeetUp” Group – they are plentiful in this city.
5- Start volunteering for an organization that you feel a heart tug for, where you will most likely meet other people with similar interests. This will give you some common connecting points.
Now, if you've read this along with the other two posts mentioned and you still feel “stuck” and isolated, please reach out to me so I can help you get “unstuck.”
You deserve to get your life back and thrive and be happy again.
Be grateful, Be Well.
Are you feeling isolated and alone? Is your social life suffering?
Numerous friends/colleagues asked me to offer up my perspective on this.
I can tell you right up front, this will need to be two separate blog posts, maybe more. :)
Yes, I could suggest different types of groups and organizations to join, etc., but if you aren't presenting yourself in the most positive manner, all the outings in the world won't matter now, will they?
So, let's talk about “presence.” How DO YOU come across to others? What is the first impression or vibe that you give off? What is your “carriage” like? I remember being at a business networking happy hour years ago. I was chatting it up with a delightful young man who stated: “The most attractive thing about a woman is her carriage.” Hmmmm, (This could apply to all genders by the way). I had never heard the term used in that manner before. I asked him to explain. In summary: It's not all about your expensive outfit, or handbag, or shoes (although the outfit does matter). What matters most is how you carry yourself, that “first impression.”
It's about your “presence,” “your energy.”
Do you walk into a room with a smile and a confident stride, radiating positive energy out into the world? If so, I guarantee that positive people will be drawn to you.
Challenge: The next time you're out and about, you might consider “people watching.” Who would YOU be drawn to in a crowd, and why? Make note of those commonalities and watch for my post next week with concrete ideas on how to specifically get out and meet people, and develop a social life and build new relationships again. For those of you brave enough to actually try this challenge, I'd love to hear back from you.
Until next time,
Be grateful, Be well.
We've heard it many times, “change your state.” But seriously, what does that even mean? You think you understand but it seems so hard. If this sounds like you, I get it. I used to feel the same way. Allow me to break it down and make it do-able for you.
First off ~ the only thing over which you have complete control is your mind. Your mind controls your “inner world” or emotions, your “state.” You cannot control people, situations, or circumstances outside of yourself, BUT you can control how you react to them. Why bother you ask? Well, if you want to have a nice life and be successful with your career and relationships and finances, etc., you'll want to learn how to manage your emotions. Trust me, keep reading,
Please make sure the people you go to for advice or strategies are those people who are getting results for themselves. If you're seeing a business coach to grow your business but they haven't had personal success themselves, you may need a different coach.
Be keenly aware of past stories you tell yourself – they may be true but they're not going to bring you the results you want by placing your focus there. Remember, energy flows where focus goes, and “it's all energy.” Give up old stories that limit you. Come up with new ones that will serve you better. Example: I've never been good at sales and everyone hates sales people. Really? Is this really true? Of course not. I spent the last 30 years in the world of sales/marketing and learned from some of the best. We don't hate sales people, we hate people that don't listen or ask the right questions. We hate feeling pressured or “sold to.”
So what's a better story you can tell yourself? How about this: “I don't feel very comfortable in sales, but this is a great opportunity for me and I will find a good sales/career coach who will teach me to be successful.”
Changing your story will change your emotional state, which determines how you think and feel, which puts you in a higher vibrating state, which helps you attract people, situations, and circumstances that quickly help you achieve your goals and dreams.
It simply boils down to where you “focus”!! If you hang on to your old stories and choose to focus on those, you'll get more of the same. BUT, if you dare to change where you place your focus, you will get in your creative zone, come up with better strategies, and no person, no thing, will be able to stop you. Guaranteed. You WILL succeed and feel great joy in the process!
I wish you the best as you change your focus and change your state!